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Title: Narcissism Book of Quotes

Author: Sam Vaknin

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Narcissism

Book of Quotes









A SELECTION OF QUOTES FROM

THE COLLECTIVE WISDOM

OF OVER 12,000 INDIVIDUAL DISCUSSIONS











"I was married to a Narcissist for 16 years.

It's the closest thing there is to

HELL ON EARTH."





ISBN 9989-929-22-x







SUITE 101



NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER TOPIC DISCUSSIONS 
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd







Narcissistic Personality Disorder











An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or 
behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of 
empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in 
various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria 
must be met:

*	Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates 
achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to 
be recognized as superior without commensurate 
achievements);
*	
*	Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, 
fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the 
cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance 
(the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-
conquering love or passion;
*	
*	Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being 
special, can only be understood by, should only be treated 
by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-
status people (or institutions);
*	
*	Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and 
affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to 
be notorious (narcissistic supply);
*	
*	Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and 
favourable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full 
compliance with his or her expectations;
*	
*	Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to 
achieve his or her own ends;
*	
*	Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with 
or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others;
*	
*	Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the 
same about him or her;
*	
*	Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage 
when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.
*	


  Summarized from:
  
  American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and 
statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition (DSM 
IV). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.
  
  Malignant Self Love ? Narcissism Revisited by: Sam Vaknin, 
Narcissus Publications, Skopje and Prague, 1999, 2001.
  
  http://samvak.tripod.com/npdglance.html
  








There have been well over 12,000 individual discussions posted 
at the Suite 101 Narcissistic Personality Disorder Discussion 
site over the past 18 months. In the preparation of this 
document, we encountered victim's reports of attempted 
murders, physical assault requiring hospitalization, mental 
abuse requiring hospitalization and medication that span many 
years, severe financial loss and consequences, stalking, 
workplace bullying and harassment, sexual abuse, incest, 
vindictiveness in child custody court battles, repudiation of 
pension contracts, and non-payment of child-support, all as a 
result of involvement with persons with Narcissistic 
Personality Disorder. For obvious reasons these quotes cannot 
be used. For equally obvious reasons, what has been inflicted 
upon them cannot be ignored.



The Editors.







Acknowledgement

I would like to express my appreciation to the hundreds of 
posters who contribute at this discussion site, and to those 
who participated in producing this document.



Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.







Contents

The Narcissistic Predator

Oh, What a Tangled Web They Weave

  Lies, Lies and More Lies
  
Reclaiming Sanity: Understanding, Coping, Boundaries

On the Funny Side of the Street

  ?(Our Blunders, Bloopers, Typos, One-Liners and Jokes)
  
Links and Resources







Abbreviations Used:

N	= Narcissist, Narcissism

NS	= Narcissistic Supply (the attention, admiration Ns want)

NPD	= Narcissistic Personality Disorder

PD	= Personality Disorder







The Narcissistic Predator











"The narcissist inflicts pain and abuse on others. He devalues 
sources of supply, callously and off-handedly abandons them, 
and discards people, places, partnerships, and friendships 
unhesitatingly. Sudden shifts between sadism and altruism, 
abuse and 'love', ignoring and caring, abandoning and 
clinging, viciousness and remorse, the harsh and the tender - 
are, perhaps, the most difficult to comprehend and to accept. 
These swings produce in people around the narcissist emotional 
insecurity, an eroded sense of self worth, fear, stress, and 
anxiety ('walking on eggshells'). Gradually, emotional 
paralysis ensues and they come to occupy the same emotional 
wasteland inhabited by the narcissist, his prisoners and 
hostages in more ways than one - and even when he is long out 
of their life."



Article: Other People's Pain by Dr. Sam Vaknin

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/npd/76632



"The brutal change in him was all the more shocking because of 
what he had appeared to be. The devaluation was indescribable, 
unnerving, frightening. His N rages used to burst forth 
several times a day. I found I was married to a total 
stranger, a Jekyll and Hyde who sometimes looked at me as if 
he didn't even know me. Exhausting is an understatement - it 
was like clinging to the edge of a cliff 24 hours a day."

"I suppose you can tell I'm scared. I believe I will end up 
either dead or in a mental hospital very soon if something 
drastic doesn't happen. He is so diabolical and so convincing 
to other people that my own family has abandoned me. My kids 
have also been brainwashed, something I would have bet my life 
could never happen. All of my financial means have been 
exhausted. Child support should have been more than enough to 
make it until I could finish my degree, but he quit his job to 
keep me from having money, and no matter what I try to do, I 
hit a big brick wall."

"The night he dumped me, the last thing he said to me before 
wandering out was 'protect yourself'. I've always puzzled over 
exactly what he meant, and those words have come back to haunt 
me now ? that warning to get away from him. Without a doubt, 
the worst had yet to come?"

"Narcissists are great con-artists. After all, they succeed in 
deluding themselves! As a result, very few professionals see 
through them."

"I keep stressing that people with NPD do not present with the 
traits of their disorder. Far from it. How could any normal 
person take up with someone who had his NPD traits on show at 
the outset of a relationship? I suppose my husband had lots of 
practice, and had his supply-hunting tactics down to a fine 
art. This is the case with the real thing, full-blown NPD."

"Where would these Ns be without women, kids and the elderly 
to pick on?"

"I feel like I have extricated myself from a cult."

"I stood there thinking: 'He can't mean it.' I had the 
shudders, my skin was crawling. This N-from-hell exuded pure 
evil. Over the next 5 years he kicked his father out of the 
house, cut off his pension and slandered him. He cheated his 
first wife and his kids of money he should have paid, 
manipulated his business(s), lied to his separate little 
groups, split away from former friends and family, got 
'religion', verbally abused his kids, turned other people into 
his little evil-doer proxies, hired and fired people on a 
regular basis. He'd cheat himself to satisfy his own greed if 
he could. About every three months I'd hear about some 
treachery he was inflicting on someone, somewhere."

"They think they are untouchable, inhabitants of a special 
world, one parallel to ours but never touching. Outlandish 
behaviour is the N's hallmark. They can draw other 
unsuspecting, and usually respectable, people into their 
criminal or pseudo-criminal activities."

"N's count on our shame to keep their secrets. They know that 
exposing them means exposing our own failings. That's what 
makes them so powerful. They manipulate us into these 
situations then sit back and watch us squirm between 
protecting ourselves or blowing the whistle."

"You have to live through the horror of the N experience to be 
able to understand it. People say: 'But he's mad about you.' 
The only pertinent word in that sentence is 'mad'."

"The relationship with the N was too good to be true. They 
want something from you. When you finally wake up and confront 
them on their bad behaviour, it's something you do, for 
yourself. You get it off your chest. When the N asks how you 
are doing, they are taking your emotional temperature to see 
if you are reacting, because they are looking for that 
reaction from you. When you finally give them a piece of your 
mind, they're not even listening. It goes in one ear and out 
the other. They sit, rather impassively, appearing like they 
are taking it in, but if you do a test, you find that they 
were not listening at all, because they can not quote back to 
you, anything you said. So consider that action as an exercise 
for yourselves. Nothing you will ever say to that person will 
make a difference."

"Yes I told him exactly what I think of him, his lies, his 
deceit, his lack of emotions, he is just an image not a real 
person ? and I realize that not only did this not bother him, 
it actually made him feel great! He knows that he has a 
dramatic impact on my feelings and since he won't let me love 
him anymore, now he makes me hate him. This must really make 
him feel like he's one damn special and unforgettable person!"

"I went back to him a dozen times, each time somehow thinking 
it was different, that maybe now that we had addressed all the 
issues and brought everything into the open, and he admitted 
he had treated me badly? it would change. And it WOULD go back 
to (almost) how it had been, but each time that honeymoon 
period would last a shorter and shorter amount of time. It 
absolutely wrecked me ? my self esteem has never been lower 
than during my years with him."

"But these qualities, are indeed 'charm'. The proof of the 
power of this brand of charm is that you, and I, both women 
who are probably reasonably alert, failed to see through this 
well-constructed mask."

"Maybe it is bad for me to wish her unfortunate times, but, 
that is what she deserves. I have never met anyone more evil 
than she is. It's the kind of evil that masquerades as good."

"It was the losing of myself that caused me the most anguish. 
I could feel it, like a brain washing, like a vampire, and he 
claimed he didn't know anything was wrong, didn't know what I 
meant when I said I was sad all the time and couldn't trust a 
word he said."

"I have always felt like they did this on purpose - like they 
were the most cunning people I've encountered to orchestrate 
all this turmoil, but through this website, I've come to learn 
that I'm wrong and that there truly are deeper reasons an N 
acts out like they do. The key for you is to learn as much as 
you can as fast as you can, and protect yourself financially 
and emotionally. Not too many people survive the devastation 
of a tornado."

"NPD is actually quite simple. When they want supply 
(adoration/veneration) they put on the whole show to obtain 
that supply. As the supply wanes, because no one can sustain 
all the time that high-octane adoration the N requires, then 
the N begins to get uneasy and devaluation sets in, followed 
by confusion and bewilderment on the part of the 
spouse/partner, who thinks s/he has done everything 'right'."

"In order to overcome one's enemy, one must study diligently 
to understand how he came to be your enemy, what his 
motivations and goals are. Fully understanding your enemy and 
then rational planning based on that knowledge is the only way 
to emerge the victor. We are learning about those with 
Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality 
Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic 
Personality Disorder, as well as those with Sadistic and/or 
Masochistic Personality disorder - the psychopaths in our 
lives, learning to defend ourselves against their destructive 
forces and how to avoid them in the future."

"I read Sam Vaknin's book first, that's when I finally knew it 
wasn't me for the first time. Knowledge is power, know 
everything you can about Narcissism."

"I raise a glass to all the other warriors on here, and to Sam 
Vaknin too, for providing this forum, and so much useful 
information. His writings are powerful and painful, and marked 
the first turning on the road for me. I can remember reading 
and re-reading the FAQs in a mesmerized daze, as I saw my 
experience and the disaster that is NPD unfold in black on 
white before my eyes."

"The withdrawal from my N has been terrible and hard on me but 
it is getting better. I no longer have anger and rage and my 
mind is settling down. And I no longer think of him 24 hrs. of 
the day. I never thought that would ever happen just a couple 
of months ago."

"I loved him, very much, but no way was I about to be 
obsessed. I also lived for my work, for myself, for all manner 
of things, friends and family included. This, the N cannot 
take at all, and will try to drive in that wedge, in order to 
get ALL attention for himself."

"My ex-N would constantly talk about himself. Every type of 
conversation, somehow always came back to him talking about 
him. It would be embarrassing, when friends would need to talk 
about something happening in their lives, he could not listen, 
or be supportive. He never got it. He would quickly turn the 
conversation back to himself."

"The other thing he did was leave me in all kinds of 
situations to go find someone to charm. If we went to social 
things, he would not talk to me all night. He would need to be 
the centre of attention in some group. Usually women."

"He will have a new female N supplier ASAP and you can bet 
he'll be parading her in front of you too."

"I wish I could offer you any encouragement with your NPD/Bi-
polar loved one, but in the 11 years I've dealt with them in 
my life, I've only known grief, lies, distorted realities, 
schemes, police, chaos, courts. I often feel like they sit in 
the eye of a self-created tornado and watch their loved ones 
circling around in total chaos, and if the winds ever die 
down, they find a way to get them whirling again."

"My ex-girlfriend seemed for nearly six years to be a kind, 
caring, supportive person? and then did a 180. Trashing me 
and, trashing (it turned out) at least one other person that I 
know of. Extremely rude and cruel behaviour, calculated to 
cause me extreme pain."

"If you want something to cry about, cry for the N's new 
victim(s), the innocent, unmarked, un-inoculated prey. The 
victims are carefully chosen, and I feel sad for them."

"In fact I didn't even realize how badly he was abusing me. I 
didn't know that all of the silent treatments I got and the 
alienation from my friends and family were all forms of abuse. 
Which made me even feel more victimized when I put two and two 
together."

"The abuse doesn't happen because the victims volunteer for 
it. The abuse happens because the abusers lie, manipulate and 
speak in mixed messages, and out of love and a sense of 
fairness we trust them."

"Towards the end of my relationship with N, he told me: 'Your 
father couldn't break your spirit, and as hard as I've tried, 
neither can I.' About sums it all up wouldn't you say?"

"He would tell women he loved them all at the same time, 
keeping each woman separate from the others, trying to get one 
of them to marry him."

"She said she was like a recorder that took everything in and 
reported it just like a recorder. What I was slowly realizing 
was that yes, she was like a machine - a recorder that took 
the info in, twisted, spun it into whatever, and then used it 
as a weapon to stir up controversy or create problems."

"The N has no feeling of any kind, you must absolutely 
remember that. Any 'feelings' or emotions shown are like those 
put on by an actor on stage. They look good, but are only an 
act."

"The person with NPD is unpredictable, that is part of the 
disorder. Their world is a heaving, restless, unquiet place, 
full of anxieties and unknown quantities. And when they 
withdraw the 'caring' and the 'loving' and start on the 
devaluation stage, then the contrast is so appalling that we 
are wrecked, unable to understand (at this stage most of us 
had never heard of NPD) so naturally we thought we were at 
fault in some way."

"When I met my N I thought I had just met the most wonderful 
person ever born! Nice, kind, talented, intelligent, even 
caring and concerned. It wasn't until a few months had passed 
that I began to feel something wasn't right and I was 
confused. I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous 
breakdown but couldn't put my finger on the problem (because I 
thought it was me) until I came here. I still can't figure out 
what the telltale signs were that I apparently missed. It took 
a long time for the confusion to build up. And I still haven't 
had the courage that a lot of you have had to make the 
complete break."

"You cannot understand his mind, the disordered mind, because 
you are normal. How could you? You can believe it - he is not 
real, and nothing is real to him. That is his tragedy."

"As I said, it is only lately that I heard about how she hates 
him to this day, after twenty years or more."

"Anyway, the uneasy was always there for me too. It was just 
easy to ignore in the beginning. As I got to know him, the 
uneasiness shifted to a feeling of walking on eggshells since 
I never knew what action or word I might do would trip over 
one of his innumerable emotional landmines."

"I made a huge mistake today. After receiving the latest 
personal assault from my N, I tried to arrange an amicable 
settlement without having to go to court. My biggest concern 
was that he not get overnight visitation. Well, he agreed to 
my terms and our lawyers placed a conference call to the judge 
to adjourn our 'motion'. Soon after that, my N backed out of 
the whole deal saying he didn't see why he shouldn't have our 
child overnight. Now we don't go to court for another 3 
months!! They will use anything and everything at their 
disposal."

"He is a very insecure (and jealous) man, but he is also a 
dreadful coward. The Ns usually are."

"If some man were to say to your daughter: 'Here's the deal, 
sweetie. For several months or so, I'm going to pretend to be 
everything you ever wanted. I'll shower you with attention, 
affection and all manner of stuff to make you feel special. 
Then, once I know you're depending on me as your significant 
other, and have made a commitment, I'm going to quit 
pretending and be who I really am. I'm going to start treating 
you really badly, I'll say insensitive things, I'll lie, I'll 
cheat, I'll be really cruel, possibly humiliate you in public. 
Hey, I might even beat you. Your job will be to figure out 
what happened and do everything in your power to restore the 
relationship to what it was, until you either die, try to kill 
yourself, or collapse and get sent to hospital, which will be 
pretty funny because there's no chance whatsoever I'll ever 
pretend to be that 'nice guy' again - and by the way, it WAS a 
pretence. So what do you say, sweetie? Do we have a deal? 
Several years of hell in exchange for a few months of 
fantasy?'

  If your daughter whipped out the pen to ink the deal, you'd 
smack her and say, 'What are you, NUTS? This guy's a 
lunatic!!!' Right? But that IS the deal. That is the contract. 
If that contract wouldn't be nearly good enough for your 
daughter, why would it be good enough for you?"
  
"I went along with him once and he said: 'Hey I like the way 
you talk!!!' He actually praised me when I agreed with him 
that a person who causes an accident should be left on the 
highway to die and just drive on by. What a polished piece of 
work! I swear I met the devil."

"What I'm wondering right now is? in the beginning when he was 
treating me like a Queen, was there a hidden agenda there? Was 
it always in the back of his mind that he would soon unleash 
the hidden fury to hurt me? He acts like I am 'the one', the 
'kindred friend' that he's never had before. Is this all a 
lie? I seem to be hanging on to the hope that it will be 
different for me. Am I fooling myself?" (cont'd.)

(cont'd. reply:) "Does he want to hurt you? Well, now, that 
would imply that he thinks of you as a human being ? an N 
doesn't. What he wants is to secure supply. If he cannot do it 
by means of flattery, he will do it by means of cruelty. The 
goal is to get you to give him what he wants. He doesn't 
especially care which method he uses, so long as he finds one 
that works. I know that sounds cold. It is cold. That is the 
mind of a Narcissist. Cold and devoid of empathy. Because he 
lacks empathy, he probably doesn't know or care if he hurts 
you, unless he's using bullying as a technique for extracting 
NS from you. Even then, he couldn't care less what that does 
to you, apart from eliciting the desired response. If it makes 
him feel better about himself to belittle you, he will do 
that, but the ultimate goal isn't to make you feel bad, the 
goal is perpetuate the myth of his own perfection and 
simultaneously control you. If by hurting you it gets you in 
check, makes you take on his failings as your own, and make 
you work twice as hard for his approval, it's a bonus for him. 
If he doesn't need to employ cruelty in order to accomplish 
either of the above goals, he won't. It's that simple."

"Who would not assume s/he was so lucky to have met this 
wonderful, caring individual. Nothing wrong with that. It is 
when the cannon-ball of devaluation hits you that the horror 
of the situation begins to dawn, but you cannot work out why. 
Naturally, you assume (because you think within normal 
parameters) that your partner/spouse is ill, has encountered a 
serious problem (work, finances), is maybe physically ill. 
Because you have never heard of NPD you do not, indeed cannot, 
know about the idealization-devaluation process."

"The N I write about probably never did a thing, unless there 
was something in it for him. He simply did not bother. He 
started from a position of weakness, in that he had a huge 
inferiority complex, but the pretentiousness of his facade 
gave the impression of enormous self-confidence."

"My N also had very low self esteem. It was as if he had to 
constantly bolster himself up to me by references to past 
relationships, and present/future possibilities. He always 
made me feel like I just didn't match up. Now I realise that 
probably no one ever could have. He was always looking for 
such an amount of NS that no normal person/relationship could 
have possibly have supplied it, and I think that insecurity 
was also behind the need to have, ideally, lots of different 
alternatives."

"It is THEM, not you or I, who can't trust enough to 
invest/try/be content with one relationship and build on that. 
The lack of commitment, sneaky manipulation of targeting new 
NS, guarantee that they will get dumped by anybody decent - 
lowering their self esteem even further. But they seem to hurl 
compulsively along the same tired worn-out path."

"I had to analyze him closely and that's what saved me. I drew 
up a list of things he had done, sat down with my therapist 
and discussed what those behaviours/symptoms were, from a 
psychological perspective. We were like 2 scientists, working 
on a project, where there wasn't a lot of documentation to 
refer to. Ultimately we identified Narcissism, but went 
further. We wound up with the diagnosis that, not only was he 
a psychopath, he was also a sociopath, as he had no 
conscience."

"Diagnosing Ns truly isn't rocket science. Go through the list 
of criteria. Give an example beside each one stating why 
s/he's like that. When you get 5 or more, BINGO. It's the 
stories, the anecdotal reports that diagnose Ns. My N fully 
met the criteria for 4 different PDs, plus bi-polar. He went 
to a psychiatrist only once, about 16 years ago. He's a 
successful businessman and he's a Narcissistic psychopath."

"In actual fact, it was the doctor who diagnosed my husband 
who remarked on the high incidence of NPD among prison 
inmates, i.e. among the criminal population. This same doctor 
is also a prison psychologist working for the State, (as well 
as a university lecturer)."

"Yes, absolutely. It's not a disorder of intelligence. Far 
from it. My N graduated law school near the top of his class. 
Emotionally, he's 5 years old!!!"

"He told me that based on what he has read in my journals and 
narratives, providing that all the information is correct 
(which it is) that my N is a psychopath, narcissist and 
borderline. I was shocked that he thought it was more than 
narcissism. So, I am interpreting it to mean that a person 
with multiple personality disorder tendencies will exhibit 
some of the characteristics from each, but not necessarily all 
of them."

"On first meeting an N, what is it that they do, that a normal 
person does not do? >From the perspective of the one who is 
meeting the N for the first time, a N goes to great lengths to 
make a big impression on the listener. The N never stops doing 
that. They want to be sure they have your attention and they 
will appear to be listening very attentively, as you speak. 
The listening attentively part is an illusion. If questioned 
about the discussion later, they will not remember a word that 
was said. Reason: They were too busy studying you. What you 
care about. They make such observations to use against you, 
later on."

"It is best to keep them at arm's length and not even start a 
relationship with someone who is too much 'over the top', in 
every way. They leave a path of destruction and dozens of 
broken hearts, in their wake. Sometimes, the damage cannot be 
undone and you must live with it. So beware of someone who is 
coming on too strong."

"We have a saying around my house which is that an N will put 
you through a series of increasingly difficult (and more 
ludicrous) tests in order to get you to prove loyalty to them. 
If you manage to pass all of these ridiculous tests, you are 
rewarded for your considerable effort with the right to 
worship the N. I don't know about anyone else, but I've got 
other plans."

"I have come to think of those years as a classroom in which I 
learned about my own vulnerabilities. Nothing seems as scary 
to me anymore? how can it be when I have survived living with, 
as Sam Vaknin has said, an encounter with 'the first carbon-
based form of artificial intelligence'."

"I had never known a real conman in my life. I thought only 
the stupid or elderly got suckered."

"What I, and others on this board, have learned from dealing 
with N bullies in our personal lives, applies to terrorists. 
There can be no appeasement, no attempting to reason with 
them, no attempt to "fix" them, to unseat their deep-seated 
hatred, shame and envy. Sounds terribly harsh to the 
uninitiated, but not recognizing that can only lead to our own 
destruction."

"I've come to believe that, to the N, the world looks like a 
place where the only food is meat and we're the cattle. That's 
why, at the most primitive level, they think they 'have to' 
act the way they do in order to survive. They've got a vested 
interest in suppressing that empathy. At a fundamental level, 
WE ARE NOT REAL to them. Do you ever wonder if your hamburger 
had a name? You and I are interchangeable cows to them. Stings 
a little, right? Yes, they're accountable, all right. They try 
to mutilate us for meat! Once we get over the shock that THAT 
THERE REALLY ARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS IN THE WORLD, our sense of 
survival kicks in and we get out before they slaughter us 
wholesale. Arguing with them about the reality of their 
perceptions is pointless; it won't stop them from hacking off 
a piece of meat. The damage they do is real, but don't expect 
them to ever understand that, not on a gut level where it 
counts for you and me. You want to get even with the N? Take 
away the meat."

"They mix people up by screwing up the issues up so we get 
confused. Then they reprioritize everything for us by getting 
angry so we have to look at them first, we think and we worry 
about them first. It becomes all about them. Everything else, 
especially ourselves and things once important to us becomes 
second fiddle. No wonder we feel something isn't right and we 
don't realize how we got ourselves into such a predicament."

"Like you, I have the 'I hope he gets his just desserts' 
thoughts. But there'll always be someone they can fool. (In my 
ex-N's case, aged 45, I see he's homed in on a 20 year old who 
he 'helps' with her exams, I hope she's astute enough to suss 
him out, but who knows?). The really true sign we've recovered 
completely is that we won't harbour thoughts about what 
they're doing to whom - not care - or at least accept that 
it's out of our control. Do we really care about the 'others' 
- or - and I hold my hand up here, are we perhaps not more 
enraged that they're still 'getting away' with it!!!?"

"I was married for several years to a man who exhibited this 
precise pattern. It ultimately ended in a domestic violence 
situation and after great struggle, I left him. The act of 
leaving him brought further abuse and grievances."

"I guess the reality is that even when it seems so completely 
innocent, there's always an ulterior motive running through 
their minds. It blows me away that every event in their lives, 
no matter how significant or insignificant, can always be used 
to create the turmoil that seems to constantly surround them."

"Your post evoked a memory of yet another conversation I had 
with my ex-N. I had referred to sex as making love. She looked 
at me very inquisitively and said: 'I noticed you say that a 
lot - why do you call it making love?' So, I replied: 'Why, 
what would you call it?' Her response was: 'I would just call 
it SEX. I'm not really sure what LOVE is!' Looking back, it 
was yet another obvious NPD zinger that zinged right by me."

"Almost four years and he didn't know my birthday or my full 
name! It's their way of saying 'you don't matter that much to 
me'."

"Pretend you are someone other than yourself looking into 
what's going on in your head. It helps me because it detaches 
me somehow and I can see things clearer when looking at it in 
a different perspective."

"We cannot accurately predict what response we will get on any 
given day. And without the ability to predict ? without a 
stable system on which we can rely ? we wind up tying 
ourselves into knots trying desperately to please and walking 
on eggshells hoping to avoid this unpredictable wrath."

"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the 
pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. 
It is the loss and death of a mirage."

"He chose every path less likely to cause him any disruption 
in his routine, without giving one ounce of thought of the 
retributions of his acts. And whenever asked for an 
explanation the response was always the same? It was someone 
else's fault or, if there was no one else to point the finger 
of blame to, he 'couldn't remember' the event in question, or 
he was just feeling bad that day."

"In my case N, husband of 12 years, is not exactly malicious. 
He doesn't set out to hurt me just for kicks, in my opinion. 
He hurts me as little or as much as it takes to achieve his 
goal: to make me dependant on him in as many ways, obey him, 
give him all the NS he demands, abdicate control. So, while 
his primary goal isn't to hurt me, it becomes a goal if that's 
what it takes to get NS out of me."

"Through my self-education I've experienced opposite ends of 
emotion. On one hand it's been enlightening, cleansing, 
joyous, and uplifting. On the other hand it's been revolting, 
heart-achingly painful, gut-wrenchingly toxic, and horribly 
embarrassing."

"After finding this group, as much as I have been comforted, I 
have also been disturbed by the hurt that all of us have 
survived thus far at the hand of an N. I think I might still 
be in shock that my N, a human being, is actually capable of 
hurting another so much, with no remorse - except when it 
impacts him."

"One of the very difficult things to deal with after being the 
victim of a Narcissist is that most people will not want to 
believe what happened to you, even if they saw it with their 
own eyes!"

"The point is, I was getting sick and mad, was losing weight 
and concentration at work? I'm the typical co-dependent, I 
know? and I really thought the power of love would help."

"Sam Vaknin's article Other People's Pain is well worth 
reading right now. It's like a bucket of ice water when we 
need it to remind ourselves what this is all about."

"I guess the computer is a screen for Ns - they can present 
themselves anyway they want and be exactly what you say, 
someone's prince charming. The e-card that I found from his 
last affair had her saying: 'I can't wait to make you happy 
for the rest of my life and give you the love you deserve!' 
UGH! I can't even imagine what bag of goods he sold her."

"I too became lost in HIS world, started walking on eggshells 
and worrying if I said or was behaving the right way for him. 
He was so methodical in his control over me and like you, he 
would throw a bone at me (usually some old flowers on their 
way out), and I like a jerk would get so excited that he 
thought a little about me with the award of almost dead 
flowers. So sad."

"I remember asking tons of people if he ever made eye contact 
with them. This was before I knew anything about NPD, but I 
knew there was something very, very wrong with him. EVERYONE 
said NO, without hesitation - it was as if they had all 
thought about that very thing, or at least had noticed it 
independently. Creepy."

"I learned that 'kicking you when you're down' is a standard 
characteristic of the N."

"I told him no more because he was making me feel horrible, 
but the fact that he accepted it so easily hurts all the more. 
It validates just how meaningless all of it was and is. I was 
feeling OK and suddenly it's all hit me again like a ton of 
bricks."

"Ns install a mental filter in our heads a little bit at a 
time. Before we know it, everything we do, say, or think, goes 
through this filter. 'Will he get upset if I do/say/think 
this? Will he approve/disapprove? Will he feel hurt by this?' 
Until we can uninstall the N-filter, our actions are 
controlled by N to some degree."

"The humiliation, the insults, the lies, the abuse, the 
character defamation and on and on and on. We may understand 
that they are 'sick', but then it is just us understanding 
them again. It doesn't really help us much to heal our pain."

"When we get to feeling too good, too happy, too satisfied, 
too optimistic, too excited, too anything that the N was not 
responsible for, then it is the N's job to rip that feeling 
away from us."

"Was mine a charismatic psychopath or a garden-variety N? I 
just don't know l00% what he is capable of. Maybe he doesn't 
either. It's a very good thing to be scared sometimes, 
especially when tempted to N-dip. It's not only our emotional 
wellbeing at stake here. It can be our physical (health 
included) safety as well."

"You may see in the man a part of yourself that is missing. A 
good man can help supply a feeling of wholeness and inner 
peace. He can help make you feel safe. An N can spot this 
better than anyone else. He goes after it like the drumstick 
at the Thanksgiving dinner. He knows people because of an 
over-developed inner sense. He reads people for a living. His 
needs are greater than yours, but he denies it to all. You may 
face on occasion anxiety and fear, but his is more intense and 
always with him. It is inevitable that the two of you will 
find each other. You are looking and so is he. He has the 
advantage because of his over-developed inner sense."

"They memorize body language and can spot a person who might 
feel a little vulnerable a mile away."

"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something 
(including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a 
way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take 
out the garbage!! When you stop taking their behaviour 
personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their 
character, it becomes absolutely nauseating."

"That's the way he conditioned you to respond. You know that 
bad things happen when you do something other than what he 
wants you to do, which may change based on his whim. Cut it, 
now. Cut the cord, and never look back."

"Of course, as normal human beings, we search inside ourselves 
for answers. That is precisely what the N never does. If he 
did, he would go for therapy forthwith. It is natural to 
wonder how we could be fooled so easily and so ruthlessly. 
Ever watch sleight of hand? Well, it is the same. You are 
fooled by the speed and skill of the 'magician' or the card 
sharp. But, and this is the but, it is only an illusion. 
Always remember that. You are healthy. The N is not. The best 
way to do battle with this situation is to walk away, to grind 
the memories under your heel, and look to better things."

"I had an N for a partner, and he built me up like yours and 
made me feel good, and then, straight afterwards, he brought 
down the hatchet and cut me out of his life. Don't be fooled - 
just as he opened up, so can he close up - and heaven help you 
when he does."

"Don't worry, he didn't pick you because you are weak or an 
easy target. He picked you because you have all the qualities 
he wants and can't have. The problem is, while he was, as we 
say, sucking you dry he caused you over time to feel confused, 
edgy, distracted and all the things you described. We loved 
these men and why wouldn't we? In the beginning they make us 
feel so special and comfortable and loved. It's later when, 
like you described, our minds are reeling because we know 
something is 'off' but can't put our fingers on it that we 
start searching around and find ourselves here. Then all the 
pieces start to fall in to place. People with NDP are master 
manipulators, subtle and strong at the same time. You have 
been brainwashed and it's going to take a while to detox but 
you'll be all right. It's important not to blame yourself but 
get on with detaching both physically and mentally. Not easy 
and not pleasant."

"THE FIRST GIANT RED FLAG? needed instant gratification. It 
felt like he was needy. Had to spend every moment together. 
Pushed the sex so insistently. The relationship did not form 
naturally, it was rushed and he dictated the pace? totally 
controlled and manipulated things in spite of all my efforts 
to slow it down."

"I guess there were red flags everywhere, but I had no idea 
what Narcissism was."

"Looking back on ALL the Ns I've ever known and merged with, I 
see there WERE signs within minutes of meeting the N that they 
were grossly selfish, immoral, sex-addicted or something was 
definitely 'off' that I couldn't explain. I didn't honour my 
intuition, gut feelings and instinct. The truth is that I had 
almost no experience setting healthy boundaries."

"He also admitted to being 'difficult' and 'moody' - so yes, 
if someone says this in the early stages of a relationship, I 
think the red flags should definitely be up. They simply 
cannot sustain 'niceness' for any period of time - to anyone - 
unless they want something from them, or unless that person 
can offer them something."

"I pushed the gnawing out of my mind, relaxed and suspended 
judgement for a while when his behaviour or stories of his 
past rang as odd. I just figured I was only hearing bits and 
pieces and chose to wait to hear the whole story from him 
before I concluded anything about his personality. I should 
have paid more attention to my 'gut instinct'."

"NPD is serious, big-time stuff."

"Life is a superficial game for him and you are a pawn on his 
board. Is that what you want to be, a pawn in the hands of a 
madman?"

"I don't know, what nastiness your Ns did before but I can see 
a lot of HOOKS in your story. If your N displays off and on 
again behaviour BEWARE! My ex N knew how to hook me by drawing 
me into her sad stories. You may be your Ns main source of 
supply right now and it's true you may even know more about 
your N then anyone else will ever know. My N still wants to be 
in contact with me because I too know my x-N better than 
anyone else. But remember, some Ns like to be MYSTERIOUS 
because it keeps them in control while you're dancing to 
FIGURE them out."

"The N will not change, you must absolutely keep this before 
your mind. But the N is constantly 'paying' in his internal 
hell, which is the essence of his disorder. In this sense 
'what goes round, comes round'."

"The N is like bog-fire (jack-o'-lantern). You race after him, 
and race into the marsh, where you are swallowed up and 
suffocated. The N will suffocate all that is good in you, will 
twist your psyche until you don't know who you are yourself, 
eventually your own face will not seem your own in the mirror. 
Yes, it gets that bad, believe me."

"The N is bad even for your looks - reason enough in itself to 
leave him quickly. He will make you feel ugly, unwanted, 
inadequate, not up to his standard, no matter how intelligent, 
good-looking, or smart you are. He makes you feel like this so 
that you are in line with his dreadful feelings about 
himself."

"I have been apart from my N almost 2 years, yet periodically 
he keeps coming back in my life. Not only is he narcissist, he 
is bi-polar as well, not to mention he also has a chemical 
dependency problem."

"The devaluation was as shocking and devastating as it was 
unexpected."

"He's built up a pile of adversaries and victims over his 73 
years and anyone who remembers anything about him realize the 
scum underneath."

"I think that is part of what they like to do to their 
targets. Abandon the target, leave them hanging, right in the 
middle of a sentence. And, you, having emotions, just have to 
get it out."

"I can only offer a comparison: a person who has been in a 
wheelchair since infancy cannot have any notion of what it 
feels like to walk, run, jump, do gymnastics, ride a bike etc. 
The person with NPD is in the same position, an emotional 
cripple, whose experience of life bears no resemblance to the 
ordinary person's."

"One thing I do have to remind myself of all the time is this. 
They are always looking for who they are in someone else."

"When I asked him why he had stopped terrifying me, he said: 
'It didn't work.' What this says about him is that his 
behaviour was not out of control, as one might think because 
it was so bizarre, but a strategy. He stopped using that 
strategy when it didn't achieve his ends. That's important to 
remember when dealing with a true N."

"N's are notoriously bad gift-givers. My ex-N only used to 
give gifts to me he had received as free samples from 
representatives."

"Since my N told me he wanted a divorce, I have been amazed at 
the people who have come up to me and said they never liked 
the way he treated me and that I will be so much better off 
without him? and I thought they liked him."

"Any apparent (and spurious) remission of NPD is just that - 
fake. The individual is marshalling his/her forces for the 
next round, which will be one hundred times worse than what 
went before. Believe me."

"The one you married, the terrific guy, was the false self. 
When you finally realize that the horror he became, is the 
real self, then you understand NPD and you understand the 
nightmare for all of us."

"I rationalized and made excuses until I was blue in the face. 
When there was no possible excuse for certain behaviours he 
would come up with a sob story that I 'rationalized' and fell 
for. That's why I was perfect N supply. I will never go there 
again. I am not a slave for anyone!"

"I stayed far away from him. But he would not leave me alone. 
I was extremely violated by this person and it took 7 years of 
intensive therapy to overcome the injuries I suffered because 
of him."

"He has never been empathetic towards anyone and has no idea 
how much pain he causes people when he makes choices that 
affect them."

"I have a very strong supportive network who keep reminding me 
that I am a worthwhile human being. They have told me however 
that the years spent with him have altered me, made me nervous 
and anxious and questioning my capabilities. It's insidious 
and you never even realize you are changing."

"He has this vindictive, mean streak in him. He knows exactly 
which buttons to push and can tell you to go to hell and 
you'll look forward to the trip."

"After about a month no contact, he was back on bended knees 
begging to 'negotiate his surrender' to me. He asked me to 
marry him. I fell for it again and the drinking started again. 
Shortly after the wedding, the fighting started again. I 
realized that drinking was lowering my inhibitions and I let 
out all of the anger I was still carrying from the prior 
devaluation. Then I discovered all his lies regarding his 
business, which he considered 'his little secret'. After 6 
months of marriage he came home from a business trip, waited 
'til the next morning after I left for work and moved out."

"Now he's suddenly devout. 'Jesus' is a verb or noun in every 
sentence. He carries three Bibles (a pocket-sized one for 
reading on the train, a medium one, and a large one for 
Sundays). Unreal. This same man is having an affair with a 
woman who is married. She is entirely dependent on him 
financially, and has left her husband and two sons. Her life 
is now becoming the wreck my life used to be. Sometimes, I 
too, wish I could just tell her 'Run!' but I don't dare. I 
just hope she believes her eyes, instead of his lies? and 
saves herself."

"Don't tell them ANYTHING you aren't prepared to get shoved up 
your butt later? or down your throat, or in your heart in the 
form of a dagger. And of course there are those things you 
tell them that you have to be prepared to have TWISTED into 
things they can shove?"

"He got hooked on the computer for NS. Totally ignored his 
children. Never responded to them when he came home from work. 
The computer took over his whole life. He was having an affair 
with his co-worker, at the same time having affairs with women 
online."

"As far as I can see clowning around with an N is like 
clowning around with a moray eel. In the end it's no fun. The 
N does not want to get close, they ONLY want ATTENTION. End of 
story."

"They take bad things that have happened to them and turn it 
into NS."

"N will have to make someone else's life miserable. It won't 
be mine! Better her than me! I think some Ns remarry quickly 
so that SHE won't have time to find out about him! She'll be 
in too deep before she knows it. The quicker he can get 
married? the quicker he can quit playing the 'nice' game and 
get back to the real him!"

"Sam Vaknin's book and this entire site, has been the most 
helpful. Please read every cruel word that he writes. Truth is 
in it. These network friends will validate, listen, stay close 
or send you on your way-whatever you need."

"Ex-N was always insensitive about what he said to me and he 
always choose he words carefully as to obtain a look of shock 
and hurt in my face."

"I know the pain of hearing horrible, insulting remarks only 
to be told that it was merely a 'joke' and how I have 'no 
sense of humour?' I tell him that his jokes aren't funny to 
me, but I realize now that that's exactly what he wants to 
hear. I spend my days in constant anxiety because I know the 
next blow up is just around the corner."

"With an N, you cannot accumulate a store of MEMORIES of what 
you have meant to them. Your meaning is only in the here and 
now. This is why a husband can immediately abandon a wife who 
becomes crippled or has a life-threatening illness or who 
otherwise is no longer 'Miss step & fetch it', and who might 
even (HORRORS of HORRORS) NEED something from the N."

"Basically I think there are 3 categories of things Ns say:

  1. Lies;
  
  2. Projection;
  
  3. Words to intentionally humiliate, hurt and degrade the 
person that loves them."
  
"It is not surprising then, to discover that the N has many 
alters, many secret lives, and they count on others to 
reinforce the idea that they 'would never do such a thing' and 
that they 'are not like that'."

"If a past girlfriend or wife dumped him, in the new location 
he may say that his wife recently died of cancer! This is to 
generate a little community sympathy for himself and opens 
doors for him to be accepted into the community. Then he gets 
busy, finding one or more targets to abuse. Stripped naked, 
the N is an ugly picture, without all of his/her illusions, 
and the fantasies dissolve."

"My N husband (who I'm finally divorcing after 18 years - 18 
years in which he only got worse each year) said, on our very 
first date: 'You'll never do better than me.' One of many 
warning statements, each of which stunned me, but his 
persuasive charm won out. A charm that disappeared, literally, 
the day after we were married. Then, when he was in a towering 
rage after returning from a trip, I was completely perplexed 
at what he was angry about. When I finally asked him, he 
turned to me with the most malevolent glare, and said: 'YOU! 
You are what is wrong with me. You are what's making me 
angry.' But there was no action or incident related to me that 
he could attribute this anger to. In fact, he had been away at 
a trade show while I took care of our 5 young children. 
Nothing was ever good enough."

"Discovering that your parents have NPD is traumatizing. I am 
an only child. I was married 6 months and my wife became 
pregnant. My parents accused my wife of plotting to exclude 
them. When she denied this, they refused to listen. Over the 
years they kept making more severe accusations, and never 
accepting my wife's answers. They babysat our 2 year-old and 
he woke up crabby. They started a huge fight, berating us for 
bringing him to their house asleep, an obvious effort to make 
their time with him miserable. After another incident in June, 
my parents threatened to end our relationship. They still 
blame my wife for all our problems only this time they 
attacked me. I told them: 'If this is what you want I will not 
stop you.' No contact since. I wish I would have been more 
blunt a lot sooner. I should have said years ago - 'Either 
stop making accusations and get along with my wife, or we 
won't see you!' The outcome would be the same but I would have 
saved years of frustration and stress on my marriage."

"Both of my parents are Ns. My mother is much more of a 
behind-the-scenes N. Her manipulations and repeated 
accusations have ended our relationship after 7 years of 
hell."

"It has ruined my entire life and my daughter's. If a doctor 
told her that I needed rest and no stress to recover? she 
would rush over, beat on my windows and say horrible things to 
me? sounds like she wants to hasten my death. It hurts. I need 
a mother. I am a mother and can not even grasp the concept of 
a mother's ability to be this cold and cruel, yet act like an 
angel to others. It's as if no one believes me."

"My advice - run far away before your relationship with her 
destroys your children. My daughter is starting to show the 
toll of just being witness to my mother's treatment of me. She 
will strike when you least expect? she will lure you in with 
sweetness and tricks, and when you are feeling hopeful? she 
will bring you down with one cruel perfectly-timed remark? and 
you will crash in heartbreak again and again. They do not 
improve? they get worse."

"She is evil to me and I have tried 51 years to have a mother 
and never have, never will."

"On only a few occasions did I 'stick-up for my rights' with 
my dad. Each time he flew into a rage. The worst was when he 
was out of town the day my husband and I bought a new home. 
When I told him on the phone about our purchase, he went stark 
raving mad, yelling and screaming about how stupid I was to 
not have waited for HIM to decide if the house was right for 
us. I told him it was our life and? well the rest just wasn't 
pretty. As you can see the thought of any discussion about my 
'feelings' with this man makes me very nervous indeed."

"He told me the psych counsellor they were seeing told him and 
his fianc,e to spend more 'quality' time together and not take 
his kids on the weekends he was supposed to. I called him on 
that one and said: 'Any counsellor who recommends your wants 
over the needs of dependent children ought to have their 
license revoked.' Well, he look astonished, then started 
immediately back-pedalling and said: 'That's not what I meant, 
you misunderstood.' He never saw me or his kids for the next 
two months."

"A divorced father to his 8 year-old daughter during 
visitation weekend, upon a conflict, the father whips the 
daughter around by the shoulders, gets down on her level to 
look her square in the eyes and says angrily: 'You can come up 
here and see me as long as you don't interfere in my life!' 
This is the statement that has come back to haunt me my entire 
life. I have had no contact with my father since I was 21 
years old. I am now 37."

"Just this last week, she asked me to stop by her work with 
the baby (she needs to let all the people she works with think 
she is a wonderful mother). When I got there, the baby was in 
a new outfit that I bought and dressed her in, and the N said 
to nobody in particular but addressing the baby: 'Who dressed 
you this morning? You look like a bum!' She's gets 2 birds 
with one stone. She devalues and degrades me and the baby all 
in one statement. I get the same 'Can't you take a joke' right 
after she insults me."

"I need to tell you that the children my N professed to love, 
he was abusing sexually. I stayed with him for 16 years ? and 
he abused my elementary school age daughter for 4 years. She 
repressed everything. GET OUT. If he hates you, he hates your 
daughter and may abuse her if he hasn't already."

"I have been divorced for one year now from an N. My problem 
is I can't break off contact with him because we have a 5 
year-old child together. After 3 years of paying very little 
attention to her, he became 'super dad' when I filed for 
divorce. How do I minimize the manipulation of my daughter? He 
will try anything to get my attention, including making her 
suffer emotionally and physically."

"He also did bad things, hoping he would get caught, and 
punished. This was the consistent pattern in his life and that 
is very sick, indeed. He justified his abandonment of all 
those children by saying: 'They'd be much better off without 
me.' He ran away, over and over."

"When I hear people who have no children talk about a 
narcissist or psychopath having 'parental rights' or when I 
hear a divorcing mom voicing guilt for depriving her 
child(ren) of their father, I always want to say, please, you 
don't know what it is like. And I want to say, please don't 
judge mothers and mothers don't be harsh with yourselves."

"Children will, many times in a child custody fight, choose 
the Narcissistic parent over the non-narcissistic one. 
Narcissists can convince a child that they are the most 
desirable parent and they are also capable of convincing the 
child (as well as psychologists and judges) that momma does 
not love them, but only uses and controls them. You see, 
Narcissists project their own pathology onto others."

"Someday Family Law specialists, Family Court judges, court 
appointed child advocates and psychologists who prepare 
reports for the courts will be educated about the personality 
disordered. A child's right to not be victimized should come 
to be seen as more important than parental 'rights'."

"I always got the feeling that my sister and I were both Dad's 
little scientific experiment in genetics. It wasn't so much 
that my parents got married and had a family as they bred kind 
of a 'Nazi-esque' experiment to create a little genius on my 
Dad's part to fulfil his expectations. My sister was the main 
focus of this experiment, I was the back up unit."

"A narcissist is a child, a spoiled, self-centred child. No 
little kid wants to have to work at caring for and 
entertaining another child. His payoff comes from you not 
wanting him to see the child. Even playing 'super dad' for 
someone or some group they are trying to impress can't do the 
job forever, or even grandparents or the people at church 
seldom provide enough NS every single time to make it a 
worthwhile expenditure of energy."

"He hated XMas, he thought children were an expense, a noose 
around your neck for a life time that's why he didn't want 
them."

"My mother and father have always bad mouthed me to my family 
and all of their friends. I can't say I ever tried to 'handle' 
it though. The way I felt about it was that I know myself. I 
know them for who they really are. I have seen how low they 
are capable of stooping. I figured I didn't need to dignify 
their disgusting behaviour with any explanations to people. If 
they chose to believe my parents, I didn't consider them my 
friends. If they couldn't tell a lie or a load of horse crap 
when they heard it, especially considering they have known me 
all my life, I didn't need them in my life anyway. It was no 
great loss to me. I just let my parents go on ranting and 
raving."

"She mentioned something my father (her brother) had been 
saying about me. I reminded her of the real story. She was 
there from the beginning. She had merely forgotten the real 
story because, as all narcissists do, my father is really good 
at seeming sincere when he's changing facts to suit him, (also 
known as lying). She recalled vividly what I was telling her. 
This finally happened about 2 yrs. ago. She was outraged at my 
father's lies. She straightened everyone out by telling them 
the truth. Now people are on to him. He has changed since 
then, and is more careful about how he acts towards me, and 
seems to have a nicer attitude around me. Of course the damage 
is already done."

"I have found as I am recovering from the damage my parents 
have done to me, thanks to Suite 101 and Sam's book. I no 
longer need to hold myself responsible for them or other 
people's happiness in any way. I have discovered a new, higher 
self esteem. Before, I couldn't even recognize when I didn't 
like someone. I would blame the discomfort I felt when I was 
around someone I didn't like, on MY shyness or MY own social 
disorder. I thought I was such a loser that I wasn't worth 
another person's respect, kindness or honesty. Ns do this to 
people's souls. They try to kill the soul."

"My mother is very narcissistic, so I was never allowed to 
have my feelings and emotions if they encroached on her 
perfect image of herself."





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Oh, What a Tangled Web They Weave

Lies, Lies and More Lies











"I lie. Compulsively and needlessly. All the time. About 
everything. And I often contradict myself. Why do I need to do 
this? To make myself interesting or attractive. In other 
words, to secure narcissistic supply (attention, admiration, 
adulation, gossip)."



Article: Pseudologica Fantastica by Dr. Sam Vaknin

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/npd/63886



"They tell lies, even when there is no need to tell a lie. But 
telling the lie makes the game more interesting, for them, but 
leaves others in a state of confusion. Since they do this all 
the time and seldom tell the truth, that makes them 
pathological liars. With many years of practise, they become 
very convincing liars."

"They are very good at what they do and fool a lot of people, 
for a long time. Asking the question does not mean you will 
hear a truthful answer. Eventually, the truth comes out, 
because they get tangled up in their own webs of deceit."

"My ex-husband used to tell HUGE lies about me. Lies that 
always made ME look bad and HIM look like a martyr (when the 
opposite was true). I didn't realize this until AFTER we 
separated and, Boy, was it devastating! I thought that I knew 
ALL the horrors, to find out there were even more? I didn't 
think I could take the pain!"

"An N also puts themselves into a 'zone' and their pupils 
dilate when they tell a lie, or they look away, to say the 
words."

"The lies, the flirting, the lies, the comparing, the lies, 
the ambivalence, the lies, the belittling, the lies, the 
teasing, the lies, the built up promises, the lies, the 
setting up for disappointment. Did I mention the lies?"

"They may spread lies about you, but in the long run, the 
truth will prevail. Others will figure out that what the N 
says, has no basis, in fact. So carry on, by moving toward 
something which is a lot healthier, for you. Take it as a very 
expensive learning experience."

"When I think back, every time he opened his mouth - another 
lie tripped off his tongue - but the sad thing was, he truly 
believed what he was saying."

"She used to lie and cheat all the time years ago. How is it 
that I managed to end up with another liar and cheater? My 
recent ex g/f told me recently that she can flick her feelings 
off and on, and that she feels empty inside. I had no idea 
that she would come home one day and just flick her feelings 
off for me? How could I have missed this one? Stunned again."

"N would lie when the truth would save his neck."

"My ex-N would look me straight in the eyes and lie his ass 
off. I knew he was lying, and he knew I knew he was lying, but 
he would do it anyway."

"Before he left, I said: 'I want my self back! I should have 
followed my original instinct.' He said: 'You just cancelled 
out the last 4 years.' I said: 'No, your lies, omissions of 
the truth, lack of character, integrity, responsibility, empty 
promises, cancelled out the last 4 years.'"

"My ex-undiagnosed-female-N lied every time she opened her 
mouth. As time goes on, and I slowly verify some of the 
information, I have found that she has lied to me twice, and 
admitted it once. She said she was just joking (that's what a 
narcissistic psychopath does when caught, they just reframe it 
as a joke or whatever). What some of these liars do is throw a 
lot a truth in too, so if you check out a few things, and find 
it is true, then you think, well, everything is true. That's 
exactly what they are hoping for. For me it is hard to imagine 
the amount of lying that went on, the deceptions, the spin, 
the manipulation."

"When I would confront him about lying he would begin to 
laugh. He was truly evil."

"Do Ns know what they're doing when they're projecting? 
Probably not, but I think if it can be pointed out to them 
with proof, perhaps they can begin to understand the lies in 
their own thinking. Then we have to deal with the fact that 
even knowing what they're doing, and how unfair and hurtful it 
is to us, they may not care? due to their lack of compassion 
for anyone else, and because they are emotional sadists."



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Reclaiming Sanity:

Understanding, Coping, Boundaries











"'There MUST be something good and worthy under the hideous 
faade.'

  'NO ONE can be that evil and destructive.'
  
  'He must have meant it differently.'
  
  This is magical thinking. Gullibility, selective blindness, 
malignant optimism - these are the weapons of the beast. And 
the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal."
  


Article: The Malignant Optimism of the Abused by Dr. Sam 
Vaknin

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/npd/68862



"Of course he wants you to believe that his reason for leaving 
is YOUR FAULT? this is all part of the disorder right. Don't 
buy into this. Be real with yourself? and your memories. You 
know deep down that you tried your best with this disordered 
person? but it was a NO WIN situation. Always keep real with 
yourself and what you have learned about the disorder? don't 
let your mind play head games with you."

"Realization of what he really is will take time to soak in? 
but you will feel better in time. Think back on a time in your 
life where you were completely shattered about something and 
thought that you would never recover? AND YOU DID. Just as you 
will with this. Please reach out to us anytime? this place, 
these kind, understanding people helped me every step of the 
way."

"When you find yourself romanticizing him, read Sam Vaknin's 
FAQs. They will keep you grounded. And when you feel like 
venting, or raging post here!"

"Please give up trying to figure out why he says what he says? 
does what he does. It's truly a pointless pursuit and it 
offers little comfort in the end."

"The hardest thing is saying to yourself: 'I cannot go back 
THERE? so I must move forward.' Maybe it was familiarity that 
kept us there? but fear is my biggest hang-up. Fear of the 
unknown! I guess we traded a few moments of happiness with 
them when actually it was hell on earth!"

"She actually never had emotions for me nor does she harbour 
guilt over what she's done. I mean, I just can't fathom that. 
She said so many beautiful things to me! The reality that all 
that may have been a crock, is overwhelmingly inconceivable."

"It's hard not to think what they're doing now and who they're 
doing it with. I have to stop myself and remind myself if I 
were with him right now he would be making me clinch with some 
nasty negative remark or subtly insulting me or something that 
made my gut draw up!"

"When I'm tempted to respond to him, as I am now, I read here 
and post here. It's a good reality check. We can so easily 
forget the harm they do."

"It was then I realized I was still hanging on? like I was 
addicted to the N. I want to be free and away from it all. I 
want my mind to be free of the N infection."

"This reconciliation between the N and myself was short-lived. 
His true colours emerged, once again. But being able to 
document my every-day experience with him helped me to make 
the final decision to move on. I know that I'm far from 
recovering, and who knows I may make that mistake by N-dipping 
one more time, but if my experiences serve to help anyone else 
on this board, then I feel like I have at least accomplished 
something."

"I'm learning to take things one day at a time. If I N-dip, I 
just get back up, dust myself off and try again."

"I wanted to talk to ex-N so much today. Yet the desire to N-
dip made me very anxious. It's as though my need for him, for 
someone so very bad for me, is finally becoming ego-dystonic. 
The urge to be with him creates strong inner dissonance 
because I know if I contact him it's emotional suicide. Still, 
I am in so much pain. I can hardly work. My job seems 
overwhelming."

"People on the site call it 'N-Dipping'. It is like fighting 
an addiction. So, if you are tempted to slide, it's entirely 
understandable. At one time you felt great love and passion 
for this man, and there is some part of you that WISHES he 
wasn't what you know him to be, WISHES it wasn't all true, 
that it didn't happen the way it did, and that you could GET 
BACK that guy you thought he was. I was always tempted to 
think maybe this is some sort of aberration, something going 
on in his life, stress, mental illness, and that the OTHER 
GUY, the one I fell in love with was the REAL HIM. I hated 
having to finally face the fact that I fell in love with a 
Jekyll and Hyde facade. It absolutely sucks."

"N-dipping is not sinful it just doesn't go anywhere? except 
as NS. It is also very painful to let go of all the hopes and 
dreams. I'm glad you have reached out here? as support is 
absolutely a necessary part of your (and our) recovery."

"For what it's worth, I did my N-dipping BEFORE I even knew 
what NPD was. I had a death wish for many years because I was 
in so much emotional pain. I lived like that for about 20 
years. I got to the point where I could hardly function at 
all. Everything I did, was by rote. Now that I have the 
information about NPD, it is much easier to stay away from my 
N husband, emotionally. I still have times when I get 
depressed and unsure about everything, but those times are 
less and less."

"They just don't change and the games become more cruel. The 
devaluation becomes worse and more painful every time we go 
back. That's why I think some people think N-dipping is 
healing in a way, because you see the patterns repeating 
themselves. It won't be too long before you are able to detach 
from him emotionally and one day you will look at his antics 
and thank God you are no longer one of his victims."

"You can be certain that the winner in the end will be you, 
with your mind and soul intact. You have pinpointed the heart 
of the matter. You can love, will always be able to love. He 
can't, and never will. He is an emotional cripple who cannot 
even love himself. You will move forward in life, but he will 
remain, always, in the shadow-lands of his disorder."

"Then you get to the point where you could give a rat's ass 
about what other people think about you, because you know 
you're fine, just fine!"

"I am so lucky that I have absolutely no sentiment towards my 
ex-N left. The only emotion I have is fear and justifiably 
so."

"My pain over ex-N has been replaced with disdain. I hope this 
feeling hangs on. I never thought it would even come. After 30 
years of being together, I thought that was all there was for 
me. Life is so much better now. All I needed was a little 
distance so I could get some perspective."

"The thing with us is we see good in other people and dismiss 
the bad. Like you I always go out of my way to help people and 
I get used? 'sucker' on my forehead is a good way of saying 
it. I am a magnet for these people."

"I don't mind feeling depressed, I know this is somehow 
necessary before the healing. But it feels like my life is 
going up and down from day to day. I feel so helpless in the 
a.m. and so determined hours later only to feel exhausted by 
the next day."

"No one ever builds true happiness at the expense of someone 
else."

"It's a multi-layered illness to be in a relationship with an 
N. In recovery the first detachment is letting go of the N and 
the next is letting go of one's mirage-like illusions about 
the N, and the next is healing one's own relationship with 
one's true self, and the next is learning to connect in a 
healthy way with others who can share a MUTUAL relationship?"

"It is difficult and sad for mothers to deal with a non-loving 
child, whether the child has a personality disorder or not. 
But if they are NPD and we find out more about this disorder, 
it is natural to wonder, 'what part did I play in this?'"

"I was sitting here wondering why I can't mentally rid myself 
of my own creep. He's not even a part of my life anymore. I 
don't see him, hear from him, talk or communicate with him? 
but he's inside my head and driving me crazy. He goes 
everywhere with me. He's a leech, a soul-sucker. I want rid of 
his presence, rid of his power, rid of his control over my 
mind. But yet I let him hang on inside my head sapping at the 
good person I used to be."

"I'm alone, but not lonely. I'm not elated, but I'm not sad - 
I'm not mad but I am disappointed? but it's my time to learn, 
we never learn anything when the road is smooth. We learn 
survival when we are taxed, and the road is lumpy. RIGHT?"

"Extreme highs and lows (which is what life in the shadow of 
the N is about) are not healthy. Such extremes are exhausting, 
as you second-guess what is going to be the next high or low. 
And, the lows sure do get lower, and the rages increase, and 
the devaluation sets in like a rot."

"As per the men, I don't get close to them as of yet, even 
though I crave the affection I lacked for four years. I would 
like to be touched and loved but even thinking about doing 
such with a normal man seems unreal. I think to myself 'what 
if I can't enjoy his closeness?' and 'what if I won't feel 
anything?' These are the thoughts I have."

"At the time I thought I'd never be strong again, but in 
retrospect I would have to say it as better to have loved and 
LEARNED than to have not loved at all. Because now I know, 
beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will never allow anyone to 
treat me that way again."

"Remember, no matter what's going on in your life, it's YOUR 
responsibility to choose how you will respond. It doesn't mean 
you won't hurt or be angry. It doesn't mean you should ignore 
what you're feeling either. Not being a victim and taking 
responsibility means feel the pain, acknowledge the shock, be 
mad, pissed off, etc., while looking for the LESSON. Keep on 
going in a way that honours you and who you really are."

"And, of course, after all the words from him telling me how 
much he didn't want me around any more, how he needed a change 
etc., he wouldn't leave or start the proceedings. I had to do 
all that. Part of his illogical 'rules'. Mostly, I don't 
believe he thought I would ever go."

"Leaving finally took every bit of strength I had left, 
especially when I find myself with very little money and 
starting a career at a time when I should be having the time 
of my life. I looked forward to this part of my life for a 
long time! Silly of me. I really should have known better."

"If more people had 1/100 the compassion, insight, and decency 
of people on this board (or if Ns had 1/100 the compassion, 
insight, and decency of most people), this world would be so 
much better."

"Trying to apply normal human qualities to an N is impossible. 
He's like a 5 year-old who got a new toy. Does he care 
anything about the old one? Of course not. You not only have 
the hurt of getting dumped by the N, but the realization that 
he is an N. That's a double whammy in anybody's book."

"If you were given a textbook on Ns and told to study them, 
with no knowledge of the actual person you would have one heck 
of a time trying to figure them out. Getting stung by one and 
then trying to figure yourself and them out too is where we're 
all at here. Go ahead, cry anywhere, anytime. I could hug you 
because you have normal emotions."

"I've lived with mine for 37 years. I'm in the process of 
breaking away and getting a divorce. But, believe me, he has 
done serious emotional damage to me. I too, am in therapy and 
currently exploring the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 
concerning myself. You ended up staying in this mess because 
you thought that somehow you could make it better? but there 
is no better. When we finally come to THAT realization is when 
we start picking up the pieces of ourselves to get on with 
life."

"Reading Sam Vaknin's FAQs is like a roadmap of my experiences 
with N parents. It serves as constant reminders to us that the 
Ns have the problem!"

"?in every tear is a seed of healing."

"Today I did two things for myself. The first was to have 
lunch with a girlfriend. It was very uplifting. I kept 
thinking that I was glad I was no longer with N. The second 
was to spend two hours out at the river. It was wonderful."

"He was like a ball and chain around my neck. All Ns are. 
Every day I pray to God to give me strength and help me deal 
with this. The key is, I don't want it anymore. I really 
don't. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly care 
for me and love me the way I want and deserve to be. I'm so 
tired of thinking of him and his supposed emotional barriers 
and childhood traumas. Yes it's sad, but I shouldn't suffer 
because of it."

"Many years ago, a marriage counsellor told me that you simply 
cannot give to others if you aren't getting something back 
yourself. Those who give you positive feedback help, I know, 
but they can't be enough. Part of the reason your depression 
is so severe is that you are giving away more than you are 
receiving in return. You need to correct that. You need to be 
sensitive to draining situations and draining people, then you 
have to avoid them. Yes, you will feel guilty at first, but 
you will learn to be able see things in ways that are 
friendlier and more supportive of yourself."

"Remember most people in this world are here to help each 
other. But you must first come back to this world for others 
to help you. Just throw yourself out to the real world and 
leave the Narcissist behind. People will catch you and help 
you. First you have to know that people in this world are not 
here to get you ? they are with you. You must first help 
yourself back to this world, to the point where others can 
start helping you. Remember: 'A loving heart is the truest 
wisdom.'"

"Some days will seem OK, then others you'll feel lower than 
low. That's to be expected. Just remember that he's the 
defective one, not you. It's difficult to digest that a person 
can be so mean and shallow on the inside when they can 
'appear' to be so wonderful on the outside. You're not alone, 
and you're definitely not to blame for his behaviour. He'll do 
it to everybody who crosses his path."

"The learning from experience part of life is the hardest, but 
I believe it means the most. You have learned that people like 
him don't change themselves inside, just the scenery outside. 
Very shallow existence indeed."

"It is not unusual to have anxiety and panic attacks in the 
wake of the N-experience. It is in fact, quite normal, and 
they can last for many months afterwards."

"Final closure for me is the fact that HE IS WHAT HE IS. The 
carousel continues to turn for the narcissist but not for me? 
any longer."

"Another thing that helped me through the post N experience, 
which I still feel I'm in just further along the path, is to 
REMEMBER it's the beautiful, wonderful, lovely, top-notch 
qualities about you that attracted him in the first place."

"Every time I go into this obsessive mess I remind myself of a 
quote I recently read: 'You know it is real love when a person 
touches your life in a way (better) that you want to be a 
better person, and your life will never be the same after they 
touched yours.' They leave a mark of goodness, kindness, 
gentleness? (the fruits of the spirit). Does any N do that? 
NO!!! They touch our lives, but it's with such destruction and 
torture? it was never love! I believe their mental torture is 
knowing they had a good person and blew it! Therefore, they 
move on for new supply. Let it go! It is now someone else's 
pain and suffering. You deserve better!"

"We need to recognize that we must CELEBRATE our increasing 
feistiness, our stiffer backbone, our thicker skin, our 
stronger boundaries, and our ability to lay aside, with 
lessening amounts of distress and guilt, the desire to fix, to 
'be there', for yet another wounded soul. When we understand 
what healing is all about, when we understand that healing 
ourselves is the only way to attract healthy personalities, 
when we understand that healing ourselves is the only way to 
become attracted to healthy personalities, then we will heal."

"Can I urge those of you still in the throes of the immediate 
aftermath of the N experience to care for yourselves 
physically, to try (yes, I know it is so very, very hard) not 
to 'introspect' too much, and to reach out to others. You will 
be surprised at the degree of help available in unexpected 
quarters. Do something peculiar, different, totally out of 
character, in the line of a pursuit or hobby. The 
concentration required will fill your mind, and any device is 
valid that will take your mind off what has happened."

"I believe it is possible to forgive, genuinely forgive in 
one's heart and soul, and yet not put oneself in danger or 
refuse to hold someone accountable for their actions."

"You know in your heart and that ache in your gut! You just 
dread taking that step. And yes, he will try to charm you 
again until he knows he's lost and he'll move on."

"I have learned lots of stuff about myself that I never before 
had to bother looking at. There IS a reason you are so 
attached and fell hard for this type. Finding that reason 
doesn't make the sorrow completely go away, but it does help 
to make sense of things."

"N boyfriend to distraught girlfriend over his emotional and 
physical withdrawal: 'You could have everything you wanted if 
you would just?' The ending always changes arbitrarily so as 
the girlfriend could never get it right to 'get what she 
wanted' which was physical and emotional closeness."

"I still get stuck wanting what I can't have, a healthy, 
loving, honest, open relationship with a person who only 
mimicked these things and then left me holding the bag."

"I can only say to those with doubts, with ideas of 'fixing 
it' - just don't. Move away and try to cut your losses. Why 
sit down to the table again to be dealt another bum hand?"

"Then, fool that I was, tried to become a crusading Pollyanna, 
armed with books, clinical data, case histories ? I valiantly 
tried to cure him. Sam Vaknin calls it magical thinking and 
he's so right. I gave up. It's useless and a total waste of my 
time when I needed to concentrate on getting me better and 
getting on with my life."

"I have been with my N for 11 years and was completely 
disillusioned by him. I did everything I could to make things 
work and tried fixing the unfixable. He exploited me and other 
women for years. I'm done with him and have decided that I'm 
going to move forward with my life."

"If I absolutely WANT to stop the N, I have hundreds of ways, 
but if I, in the back of my head, continue playing his game, 
it means that I'm still denying his disease and still trying 
to control or heal it? I thought of the 3 'C's: I don't Cause 
it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it?"

"I don't want to accept that the N can NOT do anything about 
himself. Our society stinks because of the 'not take 
responsibility for your actions' mentality. He has admitted 
knowing he needs help but doesn't WANT to do anything about 
it."

"To anyone feeling emotional and vulnerable and self-
reflective? call a close friend. Visit a loved one you haven't 
seen in years. Write heart-felt letters to anyone who means 
anything to you? but don't give in and show remorse or regret 
over a Narcissist. You'll only leave the encounter still 
hurting and they'll have their NS-fix for the week."

"One of the signs of the abuse inflicted on you is having 
fleeting murderous violent horrible thoughts. You are not 
losing your mind, it is just your natural self-preservation 
instinct because you are feeling so intensely trapped. You are 
mentally 'fighting back'. You know deep down inside you are 
incapable of really doing anything. But the thoughts can be 
frightening, especially if you have never had them before. A 
lot of it has to do with the fact that you are so angry that 
this person has you in such a position."

"I was with my husband for ten years and was completely and 
utterly devoted to him. Brainwashed, totally. He was my guide, 
my life and he almost destroyed me. Now when I think of him I 
feel absolutely nothing, zero. No hate, no pity, not an ounce 
of love - just nothing. And it's wonderful."

"I felt that emptiness also when I confronted him with the 
truth of him being personality disordered. Then all you think 
is? how could I have been so fooled?? Self-reflection is not 
an easy thing to do. You then have to face all aspects of 
yourself, shadow and light. Being able to do this is what 
makes us different."

"I am a firm believer that most women who accept a bad 
relationship had no voice as a child and suffered emotional 
and sometimes physical abuse. I know I did."

"Both of my sons eventually saw their N-dad for what he truly 
is. I didn't have to tell them or talk to them about their 
Dad. They figured it out. Now we (my sons and I) are very 
close and have wonderful times when we are together. N-Dad's 
name isn't even mentioned between us anymore."

"I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. It's been over a 
year since this N abandonment-nightmare began and I can't 
believe I still feel so bad."

"When the 'devaluation' phase began I was totally confused 
having been in denial for so long about the one-dimensional 
aspect of our relationship."

"Denial is the way we handle what we cannot handle."

"Is it like your emotions are going up and down like a roller 
coaster? One minute you miss him so bad you can hardly stand 
it, the next moment you are furious at him for never loving 
you the way you loved him."

"In retrospect I see how boring, predictable and exasperating 
living with the N was. Moody, moody, moody. It was like having 
an infant. My nine-year-old son was better able to control 
himself!"

"I am in the process of moving on with my life? enrolled in 
college and also looking forward to a divorce and the day I 
will be REALLY free. I didn't come to these decisions easily? 
I suffered for over 35 years of marriage. The greatest 
revelation to me has been that my marriage has been a 'figment 
of MY imagination'. Please don't think that he will ever 
change. They can't. What they are is their survival mechanism. 
If it wasn't for the information that I learned here I would 
probably be looking for a pine box! As I have taken my 'baby 
steps' in recovery, I find that I have regained my self-
esteem. I have realized that I did everything I could to make 
the marriage work and when it failed, I was not to blame. I am 
a worthwhile person and so are you. You have suffered enough. 
PLEASE move on with your life! There is just so much more than 
life with a self-centred, ego-maniac who cares nothing for 
anyone except how they can serve them. Stay here and get 
strong. The fine people who post here have been through it 
all."

"You will never unlearn what you now know about narcissism. If 
you go back to the N, you will look at him - and you will 
know, and this knowledge will come between you."

"I just CAN'T believe that our relationship amounted to 
nothing to him. I just can't believe it! I can't even begin to 
understand the mind of someone like him. How could he do 
this?"

"I'd love to be able to pick up the phone and call him and 
scream and yell and cry for all of the heartache I went 
through (and still go through) for him? But I, like you, know 
that it wouldn't do any good. It's truly heartbreaking to know 
that someone you loved more than life itself has no way of 
understanding what it feels like."

"We are de-programming ourselves (at least I hope we are!) and 
it can only get better. When WE look in the mirror we know who 
is looking back at us. What does the N see when he looks for 
the millionth time in his mirror. Best not to dwell too much 
on what he sees."

"I want love and I daresay the entire human race does too. But 
love comes to you, and it will, maybe in the form you least 
expect. But it cannot be chased after and brought down with a 
left and a right like a bird. You cannot capture love, by its 
very nature. It should be a healthy interaction between two 
people (and you know this), not a co-dependency. So, yes, 
there are the fireworks, and the coloured lights, and the 
exhilaration, and the dangerous delight of the first days with 
the N. We have all experienced that, and look where it got us. 
Love, for me at any rate, is the person who is always there 
for you, and you for them, even when you are tired, down, 
fatigued from work, maybe not looking your best, in bed with 
'flu and looking a freak. Love is, whether we like it or not, 
the good, old-fashioned daily slog and all it entails. 
Anything else is movie stuff, and a recipe for disaster."

"I hate that word co-dependent. Seems like every nice, decent 
person I even knew is somehow called a co-dependent."

"Take lots of care. Look in other directions. Take your mind 
to a quiet place. Do something you never did before."

"Don't let your mind be invaded, even by your own negative 
thoughts/memories, or even by what you might consider memories 
of the 'good' times. 'Good times' do not exist in N-land."

"To him, trust was just about sex and fidelity and had nothing 
to do with emotional intimacy. If you push for intimacy with 
an N, there is no choice for them other than to flee or 
devalue. There is no love there? they don't know what it 
means. That's why, I liken it to talking to an alien? they 
just don't get it."

"Staying with an N, or making contact with an ex-N, is like 
putting your hands directly on a hot stovetop to warm them. It 
will "work" for five seconds before it scalds you."

"It's amazing the little details I keep remembering, and how 
angry they make me? and ultimately how stupid I feel for 
putting up with it."

"That feeling of not getting it all out with her will fade, 
and you'll be glad you didn't get it all out with her, because 
she'd just use the information to somehow abuse you even more 
either now or in the future."

"Our biggest wish is that someone would be able to find a cure 
for NPD because it just breaks our hearts to see our 
partners/friends/husbands/wives with NPD suffer and inflict 
suffering on the people who love them most. We have no choice 
but to leave for our own self preservation."

"I have separated myself from him in every way, but he 
persists in calling, writing, driving by, e-mailing, sending 
friends to communicate, etc. I want it to stop sooooo? badly 
but the nightmare continues."

"Of course, he didn't have a clue what I meant. Explaining the 
notion (that the issues I had with him were all about a lack 
of emotional intimacy) was just an opportunity to engage in 
the blame (me) game, word-salad game, pathologize (me) game, 
spin reality game and lure and slam game, rationalize it all 
away game, etc? in other words, I had my first brush with the 
devaluation cycle. Very painful and bewildering."

"Once you are crystal clear in your perception of the Ns true 
personality, you lose respect for them. Then you can put up 
with a lot, because you no longer feel the need to take what 
they say with any seriousness."

"Funny: Sex was not a problem, except if she didn't get 
enough? and trust me it was never enough."

"You're not crazy. No way. Your anger is your weapon right 
now. You need to be angry. You have a right to be angry."

"Happiness is the best revenge, because that's something we're 
capable of but they're not. Get angry, feel the hurt, but 
please don't act out on revenge. Then you'd just have to feel 
your own shame for living outside of your own values."

"After sinking into a pit of despair, going into shock one 
night and shaking so bad I could not stop that shaking, I 
literally could not stop it. It frightened me. Then, I became 
angry, I get my strength from anger. The angrier I get, the 
stronger I get. Here I was driven into mind-numbing terror, 
pain, confusion. The anger became an almost welcome relief 
from the pain. How could he treat me that way? I had done 
nothing but work for our marriage. I was dumped like a bag of 
trash."

"Maybe it's just good, old-fashioned aversion to pain. None of 
us like to be hurt, and when we perceive things or situations 
as hurtful, we tend to avoid them. I used to avoid things too, 
as a reaction to all the pain I had suffered as a child. Some 
things should be avoided, and others should be worked through, 
and the trick for me has been partly learning how to tell the 
difference."

"What helped me was learning that I don't have to be all 
things to all people, and learning that I can be myself, and 
that is good enough for most people."

"I needed real human contact so badly after my experience with 
my ex-N. I enjoyed such simple things in life as to sit and 
have a give-and-take conversation, mutual respect, a smile, a 
touch. All of this without what the narcissist overlays upon 
social interaction. I was awed by how nice people are, how 
understanding, and at the same time, many, truly don't 
understand, yet they were human, and MAN WAS IT GOOD TO SPEND 
SOME TIME WITH A HUMAN!!!"

"You know that old saying that the opposite of love isn't 
hate, it is indifference. And, sweet woman, you are much 
bigger and better than he is. Don't stoop down to his level."

"Once you've had some time with zero contact with him you will 
see how your thinking clears and changes. Read everything here 
as it really helps and please keep sharing here. You'll find 
lots of support and comfort. When you are tempted to call him 
sit down here and read or write until it passes. Vent, vent, 
vent!"

"Why don't we go? For any combination of reasons. Take a look 
at the 'you' before or at the time you started going out with 
the N ? and the 'you' later on. Never was anyone less equipped 
to get out by that stage - your self worth is in the gutter, 
you feel a failure, a deep sense of being a nothing - the 
things the N said to you, the insidious drip-feed of 
negatives, their behaviour that says so much about how little 
they respect or care for you. Then of course we really do have 
to face some of the nastiest - the what ifs, the depression, 
the self hatred (how COULD I have put up with this, how DARE 
he did this to me without a blink of the eye - what must he 
have thought of me knowing I allowed him to do these things), 
the loneliness, sense of failure."

"My ex-N did mood swings on me too. That is, if we were going 
someplace, he would be fine until in the car. Suddenly, he 
would be down and out. When I became familiar about N 
disorder, I would straight up say: 'Hey you think I am going 
to follow in to YOUR mood you are WRONG! I'm staying happy so 
there you go big fellow!' Meaning: grow-up. Yea, they do that 
stuff. It is the other person who has the choice to NOT fall 
prey to the mood especially if it is a negative mood. 
Remember, they say the opposite of what is happening. Saying 
you were playing mind games 'meant' HE WAS!"

"It was only when I finally - after about 3 months - came 
across Sam Vaknin's site on Suite 101, that I sat in front of 
the screen, with a dropped jaw, poking a finger at the screen 
and shouting: 'That's IT ? that's it - HIM!'"

"My N just casually said one day: 'Sorry if I seem a bit 
Narcissistic'? I ran for the computer and found this site. I 
began reading stories of people just like me. Everything 
became clear. Up until that point I was going downhill fast. I 
think I could 'maybe' recognize it quicker now, but you know 
what they say about being blinded by love? it's true."

"As I was reading the information by Sam Vaknin, I just 
started crying both out of relief and frustration."

"It is here that I really talked about it. This place has been 
a solace for me for almost 1 year. I have told no one of this 
place. It is my little secret place with secret friends that I 
come to and talk about the hell I have been through? and 
hopefully help others who are in this hell."

"I stopped contact with the N. I felt stronger again, but very 
lonely. I posted here often at all times of the day and night, 
and always received love and support."

"I can come up here onto the forum and share the 'laughing on 
the outside, crying on the inside' syndrome, and not get 
judged for feeling like this, which keeps me going. One day, I 
will laugh on the inside as well - and I'll have all of you, 
and the fun and tears we share, to thank for that. You are my 
lifelines. Thanks."

"Discovering Sam Vaknin's website couldn't have come at a 
better time! I sit here in a stupor having left my narcissist 
19 days ago, and I cannot begin to describe these feelings - 
rage, betrayal, pain, denial, longing, emptiness, angst, 
jealousy - I'm all over the place with this thing. I feel like 
the victim of a very mean practical joke."

"The support I have received from everyone here has been what 
made me turn the corner away from my ex-N. I am amazed at how 
people who were strangers to me two months ago, and who I 
would not recognize on the street, have helped me walk through 
the worst part of it unscathed."

"But as much as we are responsible for our own life we are 
responsible for society around us."

"Are you willing to draw the line now and say 'no more'? If 
so, then you have my support and probably the support of 
everyone else."

"Learn as much as you can as fast as you can, protect yourself 
financially and emotionally."

"Do not let him get the impression that these calls are 
rattling you. Be brusque and impolite (nothing else will have 
any effect) next time he tries this."

"There are worse things than being lonely." (Living with an N)

"I really just need to tell him once and for all: 'I am not 
interested in speaking with you. My personal life is my 
business. Please stop calling me.' Say it in an unemotional, 
matter-of-fact voice. Then STOP talking to him. If he manages 
to get you on the phone, hang up the INSTANT you realize it's 
him. He will call and call, but eventually will give up and go 
away."

"Ask him: 'Hey, who stepped on you today?' You might get him 
talking about what is really bugging him rather than taking 
things out on you."

"Before I cut my losses and left my husband I tried valiantly 
to predict what he would do or say, and speak accordingly. But 
it didn't matter, whatever I did he would twist it to his own 
advantage. I agree with what you say about simple, strict 
language with the N. It seems the best route is as few words 
as possible with clear meaning. Similar to dealing with a 
toddler."

"My Ns love to try verbal manipulation. They're very good at 
it and most people fall for it time and again. It takes Ns 20-
40 minutes of running the gamut of all their whining, 
complaining, argumentative and other persuasive tactics. Then 
in the end they hit my 'NO' brick-wall they have no where left 
to go. It's a horrible way to live but sometimes it's not 
possible to get them out of your life in one swift stroke so 
boundaries become essential survival techniques for non-Ns."

"You have a remedy in the courts: it's called PAS, Parental 
Alienation Syndrome. I believe that Ns practice alienating 
their victims from each other all the time - it's one of their 
mainstays. You can prove this and your child can help; when 
your child understands that your ex has purposely been trying 
to stop her from loving you - it will free her too. 
Fortunately, Ns are verbal and document their own crazy antics 
through e-mail, regular mail, answering machine messages, and 
their own court papers, your ability to prove PAS won't be 
difficult; you can use the N's own words against him. Getting 
counselling for yourself and your child also proves the point; 
that your ex is causing intentional emotional damage to you 
and your child. File a PAS lawsuit. That ought to scare the 
heck out of him and get him off your back. In the meantime 
keep collecting evidence - his own words and mean-spirited 
actions."

"Ns love spreading lies and rumours. That's one of the things 
they do best. When you hear about them, put up your hand, palm 
outward (the stop-sign position). Tell whoever it is firmly 
and with a chuckle 'I don't want to hear anything about N'."

"Please do help yourself set some firm boundaries. One thing 
that helps me is to ask myself 'would I want someone to treat 
my daughter this way?' More often than not the answer is 'No'. 
If it's not good enough for her, then it's not good enough for 
her mother."

"Call him on it. 'No, that's what YOU do, not me.' I've read 
suggestions that a victim should accuse the N of outrageous 
things too, it really throws them. And when they rage at you, 
rage back! They are counting on you NOT doing this. They are 
counting on you remaining a doormat, they hope you'll keep 
trying to be understanding, etc., so they can keep wiping 
their feet on you."

"Circle those dates on your calendar and make plans that can't 
be changed. Get tickets to a show or concert, commit to help 
out a friend or organization. Edge him out. Remember, the 
worst thing you can do to N is ignore him or discount his 
importance. You are over him, you can even give him a Mona 
Lisa smile and keep walking."

"Using very simple assertiveness statements works with these 
folks, however don't expect them to like it. Trying to enlist 
their co-operation is useless. Only by having very firm 
boundaries, telling them what your decisions are, and never, 
ever explaining or defending yourself are you able to maintain 
any sanity."

"He raged, he yelled, he pouted. I went about my merry way 
with a slight smile on my face. The more he reacted, the more 
I kept calm. Now he is bending over backwards to please me. I 
just keep on smiling and going about my merry way."

"Why not just act uninterested and give him a flat out 'NO' 
with ABSOLUTELY NO EXPLANATIONS?"

"Indifference is absolutely your best tool in dealing with the 
N. They HATE indifference. Do not react in any way to anything 
he says or does. Any reaction, good or bad is supply for them. 
Any response you get will not be real, merely another attempt 
at manipulating the situation. Do not let him do that. It's 
what he wants. Somewhere to place the blame, and to make you 
feel as bad as possible. He is not 'expecting' any particular 
reaction. ANY reaction will do for him."

"You are going to have to be stronger than you've ever been to 
block him? block e-mails, get caller ID. For your mental 
health and safety you have to do this to get rid of him. He 
will not give up easily but you know you can't afford to have 
him in your life. You don't owe him any explanations or even 
advice about NPD. His denials and excuses will only confuse 
you more. And you can't help him."

"After the worst of it was over, what I found to be key was to 
have no contact with him. None. Do not say go to hell. Do not 
say I love you. Do not, above all, try to sit down and have a 
dialogue, to reason with him. No response of any kind is the 
answer."

"Please, please do whatever it takes to avoid the phone. With 
Narcissism, I suggest procrastination. Tell yourself you'll 
wait until tomorrow? then tomorrow repeat that same phrase? 
meaning that you never initiate contact. Put off until 
'tomorrow', what you MUST NOT DO TODAY!"



"DON'T ANSWER HIS MESSAGES?

  DON'T MAKE CONTACT?
  
  DON'T WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME?
  
  DON'T TOY WITH YOUR FRAGILE EMOTIONS?
  
  No matter how much we want to believe they're not seedy 
weasels?
  
  WE KNOW THEY ARE! And you know HE is?"
  
"The boundaries I found most successful are where I don't 
answer his 'statements presented as questions'. Never fall for 
his 'yes/no' response type of questions. Never ask an N a 
question, it's just inviting lies. Never answer a question, 
either, always respond 'I'll have to think about that' to give 
yourself time to think about what he's really trying. Whenever 
he asks his beating-around-the-bush questions I use the 
tactics of salesmen and just repeat his last 3-4 words back to 
him, posed as a question. When I don't want him bugging me any 
more I'll say: 'This is becoming annoying N.' With any luck 
you'll have him walking on eggshells."

"Be fully self reliant and responsible so you never, ever have 
to ask him for anything. When you do say NO, the ABSOLUTE 
WORST thing you can do is to change your mind. Practice, 
practice, practice your boundary statement until you can pull 
it off without batting an eye. Oh, and try chuckling at his 
words. The humiliation alone can often cause them to disappear 
like a vampire at sunrise."

"I said No effectively. All I got was the infamous N rage 
every time I put my foot down. It is no way to live. You 
cannot reason with the N because they refuse to have any type 
of normal conversation. A relationship is supposed to be a 
reasonably fluid journey, not a situation where you are in 
'shields up' mode all the time, and where you have to become 
the manipulative one. Not healthy at all. The only possible N 
relationship is NO N-relationship. Despite having no financial 
security, not even a roof of my own, I could not live in that 
marriage."

"If she sets up a situation where you can't walk away just 
give polite agreeable responses. 'Well, it's a good thing my 
little Suzy became a brain surgeon, or you wouldn't have 
become a brain surgeon.' 'Well, Aunt Mouthie, Suzy is quite a 
leader. Will you excuse me please?' Walk away and smile like 
the cat that just ate the canary. Not catty, just cool. 'My 
little Suzy got first place in the beauty contest, you came in 
second.' 'Aunt Mouthie, no one can compete with Suzy's beauty 
and brains. She is lovely. Excuse me, I'll be back in a bit.' 
Smile, walk away and don't be back. Be classy, be cautious, be 
secure Take care and keep your chin up."

"Start documenting everything now! Save copies of his e-mails 
or copies of the web sites that he frequents. Document how he 
treats your children. You can't be too detailed. It may be a 
pain to do but you will be glad you did. Do you work? If you 
leave do you have a way to support your kids on your own? I 
think a broken home is much better than exposing your kids to 
an out-of-control freak. One tip which I wish I had known when 
I separated from my ex-N is make him think it is all his idea. 
As far as the kids, you don't want him to use them as a weapon 
against you. Make visitations sound as though they help you 
out tremendously. That way he won't want contact with them. I 
feel for you. I've been split from my ex-N for two years and 
still have to deal with his control issues because of our 
child. I wish I didn't have to deal with him at all."

"Now this next is a rather difficult thing for some women to 
do, but IF you can ACT as though his exercising his visitation 
rights is YOUR TICKET TO FREEDOM, then this will be one of 
your most powerful weapons. When he shows up to pick up your 
daughter, be all dolled up, hair all pretty, FULL MAKEUP, 
'going out' clothes and PERFUME. ACT as though you are ready 
to go out partying. Even check your watch if he tries to keep 
you even an extra second at the door. Now, if you REALLY go 
out (and why waste good perfume), that is all the better. This 
is a good time to practice being good to yourself by spending 
time with girlfriends, learning to line dance, taking a class, 
visiting a museum or art gallery, attending a movie, concert 
or play - or whatever. You want him to BELIEVE that his 
'services' are much desired so that YOU can have SPECIAL TIME 
for yourself. UNPAID BABY SITTER."

"Instead of seeing yourself as one person, dealing with an 
unreasonable crazy person, imagine that all of us are standing 
right behind you, forming a group. Take strength from us, for 
as long as you need that, until you can fly with the eagles - 
on your own."

"If you want to end a relationship with a narcissist, the 
formula is very simple: The narcissist analyses (and 
internalizes) everything in terms of blame and guilt, 
superiority and inferiority, gain (victory) and loss (defeat) 
and the resulting matrix of narcissistic supply.

  Shift the blame to yourself (I don't know what happened to 
me, I've changed, it's my fault, I'm to blame for this, you're 
constant, reliable and consistent?).
  
  Tell him you feel guilty (excruciatingly so, in great and 
picturesque detail).
  
  Tell him how superior he is and how inferior you feel.
  
  Make this separation your loss and his absolute, unmitigated 
gain.
  
  Convince him that he is likely to gain more supply from 
others (future women?) than he ever did or will from you.
  
  BUT, make clear that your decision - though evidently 
'erroneous' and 'pathological' - is FINAL, irrevocable and 
that all contact is to be severed henceforth.
  
  And never leave ANYTHING in writing behind you."
  
"The best advice I've gotten here is to seem neutral as much 
as possible. Another tactic I've found successful is to 
capitalize on their laziness and irresponsibility 
(responsibility is too much work). My N missed a court hearing 
because he was simply too lazy to keep track of the date. Good 
documentation helps here, because they never keep track of 
dates, incidents, etc."

"What you can do is clearly document the things that you have 
done and said that you are concerned he will twist, so that 
you will be prepared with reasonable and truthful explanations 
for those things, if it ever comes to the point at which you 
need to defend your actions. If there is anything that you can 
document that will verifiably (on paper), demonstrate that the 
N has lied or has distorted the truth to fortify his position, 
find it and make sure that your attorney knows about it."

"Dealing with these people in a legal situation is very 
upsetting and frustrating. You have to assume that anything 
you say will be examined and re-examined to determine if there 
is any possible potential for it to be used against you. In my 
own situation I have shut down all avenues of communication 
with the N. The ONLY communication I will permit is through 
our attorneys. It is very frustrating to not be able to work 
things out and reason like normal people, but they just aren't 
normal. They make things up. They spew venom. They infect 
everyone within their sphere of influence. They truly believe 
that they are right and entitled to operate outside the law, 
and they will attempt to build a convincing case for this out 
of absolutely nothing. The sheer 'magic' of their ability to 
do this is mind-boggling in itself."

"I have the dog, the alarm system, the caller ID, 2 police 
reports filed, the motion detector light on 2 sides of the 
house, changed e-mail addresses, changed phone numbers, asked 
his friends to co-operate with my requests to distance myself, 
returned all his priority mail to sender, but I haven't yet 
done what you suggested regarding forwarding his e-mails. I'll 
try that. I've avoided that mainly because of the hurt that it 
might cause others. I think that the only way for me to make 
this nightmare stop is to 'shine a brighter light' on the 
darkness that he creates. I have also returned everything that 
was his. I have tried to literally and figuratively erase all 
the symbols and remembrances of the pain and agony that he 
brought into my life and the lives of anyone close to me. I do 
not want to ever forget the very excruciating lessons that I 
hope I have ingrained in my brain through this experience. If 
the pain needs to stay with me for the rest of my life as a 
reminder of what was, then so be it."

"There is only one way for you (and the rest of us) to go - 
and that is onwards, upwards and away."

"I know from past experience that there does come a day when 
you can look back and laugh at some of this stuff. So my wish 
is that everyone here has a moment like that today."





"The figures seem to indicate that a minimum of 1% (probably 
3% and perhaps up to 5%) of the population above the age of 10 
are narcissists. Now, factor in the parents, spouses, 
colleagues, friends, children, the children's families? This 
is the biggest under-diagnosed mental health pathology ever. 
Many researchers also believe that all Cluster B personality 
disorders (Histrionic, Antisocial, and Borderline) have an 
underlying foundation of pathological narcissism. This is 
getting close to 10% of the adult population. Staggering 
numbers."



Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List - Part 1

http://samvak.tripod.com/archive1.html

Return






On the Funny Side of the Street

?(Our Blunders, Bloopers, Typos, One-Liners and Jokes)





(cyber abbreviations:

ROFL = rolling on the floor laughing,

LOL = laughing out loud)





"For me, it finally became such a chore to always look my 
best, walk just right, talk just right? in short to be 
perfect. It just ain't happening. I'm sorry, but I'm not June 
Cleaver? I don't vacuum in a dress & heels!! LOL"

"One morning I asked if he'd like a cup of coffee to drink on 
the way to work. His response: 'I don't understand. Some days 
you prepare the coffee, and other days you ask if I want 
coffee. There is no consistency, I don't know what to expect.' 
Jeez Louise, it's coffee, not sex!!!"

"Anybody bringing a bullwhip? I'm going to need some self-
punishment."

"By the way it won't take long before you reelize I don't 
spell check ot profread."

"?and I no longer korrect you! LOL"

"Gee, I'm glad you fessed up on the spell checking? I was 
starting to think you had been spending too much time at 
Walmart! LOL"

"?yue leve wallmrt aloan ? itsa gud stor."

"I've got a bit of an embarrassing confession to make of my 
own. I can't remember whether it was you I asked to let me 
know what ROFL stood for? In the reply you/she included LOL. 
I've always been used to using LOL to mean 'lots of love', and 
realise I've put it in some really inappropriate places! e.g. 
"My heart goes out to you with this tragedy. LOL"

"N's are stuck on perfection. If your feet aren't perfect they 
are devalued. You may as well have the feet of an elephant. 
Ask him why you can smell his ass from across the room. 
That'll shut him up."

"Try installing a poor-man's security system. Go to a second-
hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ? a really big 
pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of 
Guns and Ammunition. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big 
dog dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something 
like 'Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - 
back in " an hr. Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been 
wormed."

N said: "You can't have my mobile phone number because it's 
private, but I'll need yours so that I can check up where you 
are at any time."

N said: "Well, that's enough talk about me. What do you think 
about me?"

N said: "You'll never find anyone better than me."

N said (to the slow cars in front of him): "Can't they go any 
faster, don't they know who I AM!!!"

N said: "A lie is as good as the truth if you can get someone 
to believe it."

"My suggestion, tell him: 'You know, how they say that size 
doesn't matter? I am sorry to inform you that indeed, it 
does.'"

"He was the only man I ever knew that could strut while 
sitting down."

"Every man wants a woman he can look down on."

"There's nothing wrong with narcissists that reasoning with 
them won't aggravate."

"I'm sorry I didn't get to tell him to screw himself when I 
had him on the phone. Knowing him, he'd spend hours e-mailing 
himself trying to seduce himself into getting it done!!!"

"He lied like a dog. Oops, I take that back. That would be 
insulting to the dog."

"Honey, I just wanted to say you look wonderful while you 
scream at me that way."

"Does this mean you're about to rage? By the way, would you 
mind doing something useful while you rage, like getting me a 
beer and a sandwich?"

"Is this going to be on candid camera? You can't be serious? 
Where's the hidden camera?" (begin looking)

"I'm thankful for all these little conversations. Without 
them, I wouldn't know what humility really stands for."

"The new head of the complaint department is Ms. Helen Waite. 
If you have a complaint, go to Helen Waite."

"I'd love to stay and listen to you talk about yourself, but I 
gotta run."

"Before you begin, may I adjust your crown?"

"Is there a caboose to your train of thought?"

"They told me you weren't dumb enough to lie all the time. I 
stuck up for you and said you were."

"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about 
you."

"I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to 
worship me."

"You were sent here as a warning to others, weren't you?"

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely 
coincidental."

"100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?"

"A narcissist is someone who after taking the trash out, gives 
the impression he just cleaned the whole house."

"How does a narcissist sleep?

  First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other."
  
"How can you tell when a narcissist is lying?

  His lips are moving."
  
"What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a 
narcissist?

  An offer you can't understand."
  
"What is the difference between a catfish and a narcissist?

  One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker, and the other's just a 
fish."
  
"What do you call an honest narcissist?

  An impossibility."
  
"Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of 
narcissists?

  He threatened to release one every hour if his demands 
weren't met."
  
"What do a narcissist and a sperm have in common?

  Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human 
being."
  




Return






Links and Resources





Link Categories:

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Interviews and Chats

Interviews and Chats regarding the Narcissistic Personality 
Disorder and abusive relationships.


Narcissistic Personality Disorder Audio Interview

Audio interview with Sam Vaknin regarding the Narcissistic 
Personality Disorder - clinical and cultural aspects.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Chat

Chat regarding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and 
Pathological Narcissism.

The Ambassador of Narcissism

An interview in Natterbox with Sam Vaknin, author of 
"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited".

WebMD Chat - Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A WebMD chat with Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love - 
Narcissism Revisited".

     
Narcissists, Group Behavior, and Terrorism

Pathological narcissism and its incidence in various ethnic, 
religious, or professional groups as well as its connection to 
terrorism and violent crime.



Relationships with Abusive Narcissists Chat Transcript

Transcript of chat regarding abusive narcissists and their 
victims. 




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Psychological testing and online psychological tests with 
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American Psychological Association Psychological Testing

The authoritative guide to psychological testing, including 
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Subscription only online psychological diagnosis and testing.

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Online personality tests - a directory of links from Yahoo!

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The American Psychological Association's online psychological 
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Psychological Testing

Psychological online and offline test and a guide to 
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Free online psychological evaluation and assessment tests.

4degreez Personality Disorder Test

An online personality disorder test from 4degreez.



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Tests to diagnose personality disorders.


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Abuse by malignant narcissists - a daily dose of articles, 
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Adult Children of Narcissists 
Discussion and support group for adult children of 
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Support and discussion group for sufferers of the Echo 
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Support and discussion forum for children of malignant 
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A Mental Health Today Forum to discuss the narcissistic 
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Support and discussion forum for families of narcissists. 

N-Offspring 
Another discussion and support group for children of 
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N-Magnets Anonymous

Discussion and support group dedicated to the victims of 
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Safe and Secure

Support group for survivors of partners/parents/co-workers 
with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.



The Narcissism Announcement List

This list is not a support list. It is intended to study the 
causes, effects and manifestations of Pathological Narcissism. 
Contributions from members are welcome. The Narcissism List is 
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Psychological counselling and care-giving services on the web.

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Additional online therapist directories from the Yahoo! web 
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Therapist Directories on the Web

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Disorders") and state or region.


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Pathological Narcissism Online Courses

 
Three study modules (more than 80 lessons) regarding the 
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Information and research regarding the Narcissistic 
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Healthy Places - Personality Disorders - Narcissism

A mirror site of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" 
embedded in a much larger mental health site and community.

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

A book-length essay, 82 frequently asked questions, excerpts 
from the Narcissism List and appendices regarding the 
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), relationships with 
abusive narcissists, and Pathological Narcissism.

Open Directory Narcissistic Personality Disorder Category

Links to Pathological Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality 
Disorder (NPD) resources on the web.

The Serial Bully

Bullying and stalking correlated to psychological profiles and 
typology, including the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 
Advice, useful addresses, on-line resources.

A Primer on Narcissism

An essay regarding the formation, characteristics, dynamics 
and inter-relationships of Pathological Narcissism.

Controlling Parents

The role of controlling parents in dysfunctional families - 
the breeding grounds of a host of personality disorders, 
including the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Be sure 
to visit the links page.

Distinctions between Self-Esteem and Narcissism

A book sized essay regarding self-esteem as a goal of early 
childhood education, distinctions between self-esteem and 
narcissism and appropriate practices. Contains references and 
a bibliography.





Dual Diagnosis and Narcissism

A comprehensive overview of NPD, treatment options and dual 
diagnoses (mainly drug or alcohol abuse).

Holding the Mirror

The journal, reflections, and studies of an enabler of a 
narcissist. The anatomy of abuse explored with candour and 
astuteness.

Mental Health Matters Narcissistic Personality Disorder

FAQs, recommended reading, and resources regarding the 
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relationships with narcissists.

Mental Health Net - Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The symptoms of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), 
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N-Courage Health Network

Definitions of types of narcissists, recovery, support, 
recommended reading and internet resources.



Narcissism 101

 
Overview - from personal experience - of literature about 
pathological narcissism and the Narcissistic Personality 
Disorder (NPD). 



Narcissistic Abuse Information

 
Manipulation, betrayal, lying, belittling, no empathy - 
information about narcissists and how to deal with them. Lists 
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Narcissism: A Genetic Trait

Narcissism, violence and aggression might be hereditary. The 
NPA personality theory is presented.

Narcissist Personality Disorder Menu

Articles, frequently asked questions, advice columns, support 
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder Sanctuary

DSM IV criteria, recommended reading, Resources, Articles, and 
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On Narcissistic Personality Disorders

The phrase "Narcissistic Personality Disorders" on various 
search engines - news, multimedia, lists and off-web.





Pathological Narcissism Primer and Glossary

Download a Pathological Narcissism and Narcissistic 
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than 100 topics in depth (Babylon browser required).

Theodore Millon on Narcissism

Theodore Millon's seminal chapter on Pathological Narcissism 
in his book "Disorders of Personality".



PTypes Personality Disorders

 
Personality disorders and personality types correlated using 
the Briggs-Myers typology. Lists of resources, famous people 
with personality disorders, links. Especially important are 
the discussions of the Narcissistic, Compensatory 
Narcissistic, Inventive, Borderline, and Mercurial 
personalities.



So, You are in Love with a Narcissist

 
Articles about falling in love and leaving a narcissist.



The Weaver and Narcissist

 
The main traits of pathological narcissism, splitting, and 
other primitive defense mechanisms.

Voicelessness: Narcissism

Narcissism and narcissistic disorders described and analyzed 
from the point of view of the voicelessness paradigm developed 
by Dr. Richard Grossman.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder described, recommended 
readings, referral to discussion and support groups - with 
emphasis on the outcomes of narcissistic behaviour and their 
impact on others.

On Narcissism

An essay regarding pathological narcissism, narcissistic 
disorders, treatment and prognosis.



Perfectly Flawed - The Anatomy of a Failed Narcissist

The personal voyage of a narcissist faced with his 
debilitating disorder.



Report of a Quest

Pathological narcissism as the defence mechanism underlying 
paraphilias.



Narcissism: A Nine Headed Hydra?

A typology of pathological narcissists with examples, 
recommended reading, advice, and case studies.



Narcissistic Personality Disorder Today

 
Narcissistic personality disorder information, online 
resources, recommended reading, and support groups.


END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NARCISSISM BOOK OF QUOTES